Memory

I can howl like a wolf, but will I receive an answering howl?

Is there someone out there?

All alone in the moonlight

I shouldn't feel alone, not when there are so many people around me, all going on with their daily business. But somehow, there is this feeling... the feeling that I am disconnected from the world, that I am surrounded with people, but I am alone, that I do not belong, that I have no place in this world, that no one would miss me or even notice if I should suddenly disappear. There is a hollow empty feeling, deep inside my heart. A feeling that is always there, ready to take over me, at my most vulnerable.

It reminds me of the little matchstick girl. It's the feeling as if it is a cold dark night, and you are standing outside, shivering and lonely, the only lighting is an old street lamp, and the fire glow coming from the insides of warm cozy houses. You sit outside, curled up in a bid to get warmer, snow falls down, peacefully and slowly, unaware of the tormented feelings tangling up inside your heart. You hear laughter ringing out from the houses, and you feel so desperate to be a part of it, so desperate for some love, for someone to say some sweet words to you, to give you some warmth and kindness. But there is nowhere for you to go to, and so you continue sitting there, lonely and sad. Hope leaves you in the form of tears rolling down your cheeks.

I can smile at the old days

Those days where there was no need to worry, no need to wish, no need to miss...

I remember the time I knew what happiness was

When I went to kindergarten and got punished by the teacher for putting a book on my head

When I aced in all spelling tests and was happy because I made my parents happy

When I sat in the car with my childhood friend and played random role-playing games, pretending to be kidnappers and prisoners

When my friend came over to my house and we would sit on seals, pretending to be mermaids and catching fish and escaping from sharks

When we pretended that we were princesses that got captured by an evil witch

When my mum and dad used to come tuck me in before I slept, and kiss me on the forehead

When they helped reach out to take away the picture of a crocodile on my night light because it gave me nightmares

When my mum hugged me as I cried because I dreamt that she died

When all Saturday nights were spent sleeping on mattresses in my parents' bedroom

When all Sundays were outings to shopping centres or parks so that we could have fun together as a family

When I was just me, and I was contented, and there was no room for doubt...

Touch me

It's so easy to leave me

All alone with the memory

Of my days in the sun...

Negative feelings

Like twisted trees

The roots delve deep

Into your heart

And take away as nutrients

Your love and innocence

Sucking up more and more

It grows steadily and healthily

As your heart shrivels up

Devoid of happiness

The twisted tree grows

Taller and stronger

Until one day

It strangles you

And all you have left

Is an empty dead body

And an empty dead soul

Filled with negative feelings

As this twisted tree

Grows

Grows

Grows