I'm sorry...

This would be a short post about hurting a friend deeply. I am sure many people would have hurt their friends (or been hurt by their friends) before, like snapping at a friend when they have a bad day or saying some hurtful things. While I agree that such things do hurt, they usually don't hurt as much as the friend usually understands that you do not mean what you say. Some say that words can hurt more than actions, but this time, it was the other way round. This, this is different. This was me being insensitive, me caring more about my own enjoyment and me disregarding the feelings of my friend.

You see, just last night, I realised that I and a few friends of mine have unknowingly caused a mutual friend, Z, a lot of pain and disappointment not long ago. The extent of that pain went deeper than I ever thought was possible. Seriously, never in a hundred thousand years would I have thought myself capable of inflicting such pain on a friend. I, the person who had to run to my brother for help when a red ant crawled onto me because I did not want to kill it myself. I absolutely cannot bear the thought of hurting Z so much. And the worse thing was, my friends and I didn't notice that anything was wrong on that day. I think that hurt her even more. We thought that everything was fine and well. I guess that's where the insensitive part came in. And yes, I can't deny it. We WERE being insensitive. If only we had considered how Z must have felt when we did it, things wouldn't have been so bad. Hindsight is perfect. Now on hindsight, I realise that there were some telltale signs that I should have noticed, signs that should have signaled to us that something was wrong. But I was blind to those signs that day, as were my friends. I really do wish that I can turn back the hands of the clock (I know this sounds cliche, but the last thing I'm feeling now is that I'm being lame), but I know it's not possible. We can't change the past, but we can change the future. I know that Z has now forgiven us, has forgiven us for quite some time already, but I am not content with that. I do not want Z to forgive us and yet think that we are some horrendous people who do not care about others. I want her to understand, that whatever happened that day, that's not us. I want her to know that we are better people than that, that we are caring, that we are sensitive, that we can be good friends too. I want her to change her mind about us. And until I arrive at that, I will not be satisfied.

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